Why Kids Misbehave
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I'm a product of the 70s, a time when everyone in my third-grade class sat and listened silently while our teacher, Mrs. Sampe, expounded on a concept. When she finished talking, we followed directions. The greatest problems in our classroom were chewing gum and passing notes.
You can imagine my shock when I became an elementary school teacher twenty-five years later. During my first week of teaching, one of my students stood in the middle of my explanation about Vincent Van Gogh, approached me, tugged on my skirt and tattled on his buddy at the back of the room. I couldn't believe I was being interrupted in the middle of a lesson! I later discovered that this behavior — and much worse — was the norm. What happened to good, old-fashioned respect?
In his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Kevin Leman asks similar questions, but in relation to parenting. "Why is it that these days that so many children tend to diss their parents, to act disrespectfully? Why are so many parents caught in the roles of threatening and cajoling and never getting anywhere? What's going on here?"
Granted, many things have affected kids since Beaver Cleaver and black and white television. Technology has made huge advancements but sends millions of negative messages to kids about authority. Drug use has increased. The family structure has all but fallen apart. However, the real answer to Leman's question (and my teaching problem) is that because kids misbehave because they can and because adults let them.
In his book, Dr. Leman says, "It all comes down to who is really in charge of your family." He points out that many parents are so concerned about being their child's friend — not hurting their child's feelings or making sure that their child is always happy — that they fail to parent well.
Leman's comments lead to several pointed questions: Are you willing to do whatever it takes to take charge of your family? Are you willing to look like the "bad guy" at times in order to parent your children so they will stop rolling over you? Are you ready to be an assertive parent, helping your child become all he can be?
If you're ready to take on what Leman calls "the ankle-biter battalion," read on and learn how to become a super parent!
Here are three ways parents encourage their kids to misbehave.
No parenting game plan
Imagine a football coach having no plan to lead his team to victory. What would it be like if he never put any plays into action? What if he didn't discipline his team or expect them to perform? What if he let them run wild everywhere without direction? No doubt, life with his "team" would be chaotic and exhausting.
Parents lead kids much like a coach leads a football team, and to experience victory, parents need a good parenting game plan. Part of having a plan means defining the attitudes, behaviors and character traits you want your children to possess. When you can define these, you'll be able to begin to develop a plan to become a super parent.
In his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman helps parents put a one-week parenting game plan into action that helps reduce parental frustration, put parents back in the coach's seat and transform their child's attitude, behavior and character.
Not only should you develop an "overall" parenting plan, but it's also important to have a scheduled minute-by-minute plan, especially with your smallest children. As an elementary teacher, I learned that the best defense against bad behavior is having a good lesson plan that would keep their little hands busy. The same applies to parenting. Keep your kids busy with things to learn, with stuff to do and with an agenda, and your parenting job will be much easier with fewer discipline problems.
Inconsistency
As an elementary teacher, I learned the hard way that children have brains like elephants — they will latch onto even your the smallest promises (positive or negative) and remember them a day, week, month or year later. Therefore, I learned that consistency was of utmost importance in discipline. If I said I was going to dole out a pink slip and a trip to the school's front office the next time I saw a particular student, I needed to deliver rather than make threats or promises I didn't intend to keep. And if you don't do what you say you will, they won't respect you.
Dr. Leman agrees. He says in Have a New Kid by Friday that a child's misbehavior serves a purpose in his life: it gives him a reason to control you. Sadly, if a parent does not show the child that they are in charge through consistency, a child's contempt for their parent will grow. As Dr. Leman says, ". . . if he [your child] can control you, why respect you?"
Power struggles
Several years ago my grandmother told me that in marriage you have to pick your battles. The same is true in parenting. If you want your home to be peaceful, you need to decide which battles are worth fighting with your kids, and which aren't. This will help stop power struggles that increase bad behavior.
If your child wants to wear a shirt/skirt combo that makes her look like she dressed herself in a dark closet, and she is very strong-willed, you may ask yourself if it's worth fighting her to get her to change her duds. on the other hand, if she wants to spend time with a boy in a dark closet, you might want to make a big deal out of that. The battles that you choose to fight will directly affect your child's level of misbehavior — especially if your child is strong-willed.
Granted, becoming a stellar parent takes energy, but the payoff will be greater than anything you could have imagined as your children grow.
The Wonders of Reality Discipline
This clever discipline method is less exhausting and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging or threatening.
Next Article in Series:
- Overview
- The Wonders of Reality Discipline
- Building Self-Esteem in Your Kids
- What's Your Parenting Style?
- Parenting Perfectionist Kids
- Next Steps / Related Information
I once read a newspaper headline that made me chuckle: "Red Lipstick Empowers Women." The caption, coupled with a photo of Marilyn Monroe wearing a white flowing dress and painted crimson lips, made me think that perhaps I'd found the answer to the discipline problems with my elementary students. That's been my problem all along — I've been wearing champagne pink!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if changing lipstick was all it took to become more effective and empowered in handling discipline problems with children?
While child psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman is an out-of-the-box parenting problem solver who might buy into the lipstick method if it worked, Dr. Leman instead teaches parents about the effective "Reality Discipline." This clever method of getting little "ankle biters" to obey is less exhausting and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging or threatening.
It's all about responsibility
The first thing to remember about Reality Discipline is that you want your children to learn to think for themselves and learn to become more responsible through guidance and action-oriented techniques. In an article from First Things First, Dr. Leman says, "Action-oriented discipline is based on the reality that there are times when you have to pull the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble. I mean disciplining your children in such a way that he/she accepts responsibility and learns accountability for his actions." Here's an example.
When my brother was in high school, my mother implemented Reality Discipline without realizing it. My little brother, Gannon, could sleep through a tornado (or a hurricane or tsunami) and my mother was tired of waking him up every morning and saying, "You'd better hurry, or you're going to miss the bus." Finally, Mom thought, I'm not waking him up anymore. He can be late. Just as she suspected, Gannon did miss the bus and was forced to walk the mile to school. Much to my mother's delight, he was never late again. She didn't have to beg, plead, give him ultimatums or nag Gannon one more time. Instead, she let reality do the discipline.
A little bit of ice cream can do the trick
One afternoon, I had the privilege of listening to Dr. Leman explain on the radio how reality discipline teaches responsibility. He told an engaging story about a mother whose preschool son was driving her bananas because every day when she stopped to pick him up from preschool, he ran from her on the playground. She felt like a fool for being outrun by a preschooler while teachers and parents looked on. Desperate, she asked Dr. Leman for advice.
Dr. Leman suggested that if her son ran from her next time, she should ask another adult on the playground if they would be kind enough to keep an eye on her son for a few minutes. Then she should drive away, go to the nearest ice cream shop, purchase a cone for herself and drive back to the school to pick up her son. Then, when her little guy got in the car and asked, "Where's my ice cream?" he told the woman she should cheerfully say, "Well you could have had some ice cream, but you ran away; so I had to go get some alone."
One point for mom; zero for Junior. That's Reality Discipline. No ranting. No raving. No warnings. Just cool, collected action with some quick, clever thinking to make your point loud and clear.
Sounds great, right? Here are some basic principles of Reality Discipline to help you get (and keep) the upper hand with your kids.
Don't focus on creating a happy child
In his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman says that the goal of parenting is not to create happy kids; rather, it's to create responsible kids. This means Junior will probably be pretty unhappy that he didn't get an ice cream cone; he may even throw a fit, and rant and rave — but he will become more responsible and respectful. Don't back down, but do stay cool as a cucumber. Remind yourself that it's a battle of the wits and the wills, and you will win.
Understand your child's reality
According to Dr Leman, if you want to use Reality Discipline effectively, you need to know what's important to your child — what really moves him in his reality. Your child may value money, sports, a daily cookie break, staying up late or spending time with friends. Parents who know how to use Reality Discipline make creative connections between bad behavior and discipline through action rather than through warnings, nagging or threats.
For example, suppose you ask your ten-year-old daughter (who loves saving money) to take out the trash. She ignores you, and thirty minutes later the trash is still sitting by the back door. With a little creativity, you decide to implement some Reality Discipline. Instead of reminding your daughter about the trash, you enlist her younger sister to take it out . Then you take some money out of your ten-year-old daughter's allowance and give it to her sister for a job well done. Can you imagine the peace and satisfaction that could come from being such a quick-witted parent?
Note: If you want to use Reality Discipline, you have to listen to your child. Then you'll know what will move him to responsibility. The more you understand what's important to him, the more ammunition you'll have in your arsenal to "train up" your child in the way he should go.
Make sure that Reality Discipline is grounded in love
In Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman writes, "Show me a mean teacher, and I'll show you a good one." If you find that you are a permissive parent who is afraid of "pulling the rug out from under your child" as Dr. Leman suggests, remember that Reality Discipline is not unkind. Instead, when it's motivated by love to help your child mature into a responsible adult, it's a very good gift.
Building Self-Esteem in Your Kids
This clever discipline method is less exhausting and more successful than ranting, raving, blaming, pleading, begging or threatening.
Next Article in Series:
- Overview
- The Wonders of Reality Discipline
- Building Self-Esteem in Your Kids
- What's Your Parenting Style?
- Parenting Perfectionist Kids
- Next Steps / Related Information
When kids are small, they learn the ABCs. They're happy to sing them in the bathtub, in the car and while they're eating their Cheerios. But according to Dr. Leman, the ABCs are for parents, too — ABCs that build a healthy self-esteem in your child.
According to Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday, a healthy self-esteem is cultivated in children through Acceptance, Belonging and Competence.
Acceptance
Some parents who are turned-off by their child's choice of music or clothes send a message to their kids that not only is their child's behavior unacceptable, but that they are unacceptable. As a result, their child spends hours listening to their iPod, playing computer games or talking on the phone. Why? Because if a child doesn't feel accepted by their parents, they'll look for acceptance from their friends. However, when parents unconditionally accept their kids, they will be much less likely to seek acceptance from a peer group — and they will develop a healthier self-esteem. According to Dr. Leman, "Your unconditional acceptance of your child means everything in her development."
If you want to send a strong message to your child that he is accepted, listen and ask questions to show you care about his interests and concerns. In short, develop a relationship with your kids. Dr. Leman says, "Without a relationship, your rules, your words and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward Acceptance and Belonging in a group outside your home."
Belonging
Everyone, whether they are five or fifty, wants to belong. Many people go to great lengths to ensure that they are connected with someone who cares. How can you give your kids a sense of belonging? By creating a community within your family. To accomplish this, Dr. Leman suggests giving your children a vote in decisions, listening to what they say and supporting them in their activities.
In Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman tells a story about 15-year-old Melissa who was approached and offered a cigarette. Because she had a strong sense of belonging within her family, she didn't need the cigarette and replied, "No thanks. We Crayburns don't smoke."
By creating a healthy self-esteem, a sense of belonging helps your child resist peer pressure and creates a set of expectations for your kids to attain. For Melissa, it was the expectation that her family doesn't smoke.
Competence
The third way to build self-esteem in your kids is to give them the gift of competence. Children become competent when they experience life first hand. If you are an overprotective parent, you'll need to fight the urge to do for your kids what they can do for themselves.
In his book, Dr. Leman writes:
"These days, parents are overly concerned with their child's self-esteem. 'I want Johnny to feel good about himself,' a mother says. So what does a mother do? She goes out of her way to clear life's roads for her child, to do things for him that he should be doing for himself.
She thinks she's helping him with his self-esteem, but what she is she really doing? She's sending a negative message: 'I think you're so stupid that you can't do it yourself, so I'll do it for you.'"
The way a mother eagle teaches her eaglets to fly is an excellent example of how guiding (without over-controlling) helps kids mature and develop healthy self-esteem.
When a mother eagle wants her baby to fly, she waits until her eaglet is 80% of his adult size. Then she sets him on the edge of the nest and pushes him off into the wild blue. She watches her baby bird freefall, then swoops down just in time to catch him on her wings. This exercise is repeated over and over until the baby eaglet learns to fly.
By doing this, her baby's confidence (and self-esteem, if eagles had such a thing) grows. Imagine if she was overly protective. Her eaglet would never learn to fly; he'd never mature.
In the same way, kids mature and develop a healthy self-esteem by experiencing life first hand, even if it means that sometimes they make mistakes.
When I was 19, I decided to move to London, England for a semester. My mom must have worried about me, but she never let on. London, with 13 million people, was light years away from my small town in southern Idaho. Even though I know Mom was concerned, she was very supportive. She has said in response to that adventure (and many others that I have embarked on), "You have to raise your kids to be independent. Some people want to keep their kids under their wing. That's not the goal; the goal is to raise responsible adults." And responsible adults are made by giving kids the gift of competence. Dr. Leman would be proud Mom.
Of course, your little person will not be traveling independently overseas anytime soon, but as he exerts his independence, ask yourself if what you want to protect your children from is necessary. If it's not a life or death situation (or harmful), allowing your child to make mistakes will help develop his self-esteem.
There you have it: the ABCs of building self-esteem in your kids. Granted, it may not be as easy as singing the song, but with a little practice, your kids can grow up to become confident and responsible adults.
What's Your Parenting Style?
Your parenting style will determine if your home is peaceful or chaotic.
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Our society values self-evaluation for the sake of self-improvement. Books and magazines pose questions such as, "Are you an extrovert or an introvert? A leader or a follower? A lover or a fighter?"
Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday, says that parents need to ask themselves an important question on the road of parenting improvement: "Am I an authoritative or permissive parent?" Dr. Leman believes most moms and dads fall into one of these two categories, and which "parenting camp" they fit in will determine if their home is peaceful or chaotic.
Portrait of a Permissive Parent
Robyn is often frustrated because her two elementary-age girls are out of control. When she speaks, they talk back and argue. Because she feels like a slave to her kids, she falls into bed exhausted each night and wonders if she will ever feel joy again. She gives her kids priority over her husband, and he resents it. Because she wants her children to be successful and can't stand the thought of them failing, she often takes up the slack for them when they act irresponsibly. Her greatest concern is for her kids' happiness. She makes excuses for them to teacher, and coddles them when they whine and manipulate her.
Portrait of an Authoritative Parent
Robert is also a frustrated parent. He tries to control his children with his "my way or the highway" attitude; consequently, he makes all the decisions for them. He also uses reward and punishment to control rather than to teach them in love. Not surprisingly, he sees himself as superior to his children, and they resent it. He runs his home with an iron fist and grants them very little freedom.
Which category do you fall into? Are you permissive? Authoritative? Here are some tips to help with both parenting problems that encourage rebellion in kids.
Tips for the permissive parent
It's OK to get mean!
Do you sometimes feel that if you firmly discipline your children that you are being mean and unloving? In his book Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr. Leman writes, "Show me a mean teacher, and I'll show you a good one."
Sadly, many permissive parents believe that "being mean" is the opposite of parenting well. In fact, permissive parents shy away from firm discipline because they worry that they will permanently damage their child's psyche. The result is a chaotic home abounding in disrespect.
When I was an elementary-school teacher, I started out my education career being permissive because it's my nature to err on the side of compassion. I quickly learned that if I wanted to maintain control in my classroom, I had to use firm discipline, which sometimes I felt like I was being mean.
The same applies to good parenting. If you want to maintain a peaceful home and you struggle with being a permissive parent, you'll need to adopt the "Sometimes It's OK to Be Mean Policy." Of course, I'm not talking about being abusive, screaming, yelling or acting out of control but about developing an "I-know-this-is-a-battle-of-the-wills-and-I-will-win" attitude which will help you parent well. When I was a permissive teacher, I was always on the verge of losing my cool because I allowed my students to push me around. If this has been your experience with your kids, perhaps it's time to become more firm.
Don't give warnings.
Permissive parents often fall into the trap of giving too many warnings, when giving an instruction once is enough. Repeating sends two messages to kids: "Mom doesn't really mean what she is saying" and "Mom thinks I'm incompetent because she says everything at least twice." Dr. Leman says, "Your goal is to get your children to listen, listen once, hear what you have to say and act on it."
To stop the crazy cycle of giving too many warnings, start giving instructions once, then quickly use discipline when your kids don't listen the first time. It may take a few times for your children to get your new rules, but it won't take long.
Can you imagine the satisfaction you'll experience from giving directions only once and watching your kids jump into action?
Tips for the Authoritative Parent
Yelling isn't more effective
Because authoritative parents often feel that they are superior to their children, they frequently treat their kids as if they are stupid. They yell instructions rather than speak them firmly, but quietly.
When I was a teacher if my students were too loud, it was generally ineffective to yell or use anger to get them to quiet down. In fact, the louder I became, the less they listened.
However, if I quietly said, "If you can hear me raise your hand" my students would freeze, shoot their hands in the air and become silent so I could calmly give instructions. My quiet but firm demeanor showed I was in control and demanded respect. on the other hand, anger never demanded respect and always showed I was out of control.
When authoritative parents use anger to communicate with their kids, the children may obey out of fear, but they will never do so out of respect. Respect is gained through consistent but firm discipline and instruction.
Make love your goal
If you struggle with being an authoritative parent, it will be helpful to understand that love is a huge motivator for obedience, and disciplining in anger without love will cause children to become rebellious.
Many authoritative parents have the upper hand with their kids when they are small, but as their children grow, they lose control. Why? Because children will only obey out of fear for so long — then they will rebel. The point is this: all discipline needs to begin and end with love. The main goal should be to love your kids into mature adults. This means that your discipline can be firm without being harsh. This means that you never insult, make threats or react. Instead, at all times you remain in control.
Most of all, pray!
When you are dealing with the day-in-day-out duties of parenting, it's easy to forget that God is the perfect parent. That means that He can (and wants to) help you parent well. So when you need guidance and wisdom, pray and ask Him for parenting help! He will give you the direction you need to become balanced — and neither permissive nor authoritative in your parenting style.
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